Throughout life, we’re taught how to act, think, feel, and exist. As children we have no voice or say so; external beliefs, opinions, and “advice” get pushed onto us because “kids don’t know anything”. But when you’re growing up in a toxic, unloving, mentally exhausting home; your beliefs, thoughts, opinions, etc are not your own. You have to act a certain way, meet certain expectations, and compete for positive love and attention. A child shouldn’t have to read a room because their parent(s) can’t get a hold of their own personal issues. Projecting hatred onto their own child/children.

When you’re a kid you have no idea what’s happening- what damage is actually being done. People pleasing, abandonment issues, self-doubt, self-neglect, self-hatred: you take on beliefs that you didn’t even know existed… There was a point in time when I hated my body before I even fully understood what it meant; this in part was because I had a parent that believed a woman over 120 pounds had no worth. Food became my worst enemy, because of someone else’s insecurity of not looking “perfect” or not having the perfect life/family. Needless to say, we don’t talk anymore. 

When you’re trained to think/feel a certain way about yourself, it can be hard to see yourself from an outside perspective. Self-love did not come naturally- it was built. I learned about the terms “reparenting” and “rewiring”- essentially starting from the beginning with yourself; teaching yourself the things that you weren’t taught or shown. “Rewiring” the thoughts that you’ve been taught to think and the unrealistic expectations that you were told to set for yourself.

 Starting by unpacking the things from my childhood that stayed with me; I ended up writing out my entire childhood in a notebook. I made notes on sections that negatively impacted my life and listed the ways that the negativity continued to show up in my life. Seeing the negativity and replacing it with positivity is not an overnight process. Being able to identify the patterns is one thing, being able to break them is another. If you’re in the beginning of your personal growth journey or starting to try and find the control in your life that you have, I highly recommend using a habit tracker- especially if you’re someone that struggles with consistent routines and self-care. You’re essentially becoming a new version of yourself- the authentic version of yourself uncontrolled by others. It’s never too late to start over, remember forgiveness is a powerful thing.