In order to get out of the cycles of the cycles that can surface during mentally draining days, weeks, months, etc – you have to get into the habit of recognizing the value of self-care, self-love, and establishing positive habits. Giving Value: educating yourself, empowering yourself, and entertaining a positive mindset versus feeding into a negative one. I seemed to always shut down and go into autopilot while in depressional episodes. Weeks and months would go by, and I always seemed to stay in the same place: everything moving around me, but my consciousness laying in the corner of my brain while my body goes through the trials and tribulations of daily life. I would completely disconnect – which ultimately fed into the downward spiral of negativity within my life. Simple things like cleaning, cooking, eating, taking care of myself/ basic hygiene, even getting out of bed would feel daunting and exhausting.
In the disconnection you’re suddenly on autopilot and then months go by, and you have no idea of how you got to where you are. At one time, I would post my entire life on social media platforms; in being lost within myself, not loving who I was, and feeling pretty much numb to the world around me – I sought out validation, reassurance, love, attention, and security from others. It did not matter who, what, or where the attention came from – But at that point I honestly had no regard for my own personal safety or wellbeing. I would post anything and everything without understanding the consequences within various relationships in my life and also within my own mental wellbeing.
Giving and perceiving value in my life meant getting educated about mental health, resources, coping mechanisms, and just in general learning how to find balance and fulfillment within my own life. I had to empower myself in the journey, knowing that the only way to change was by taking action instead of waiting for things to happen to/for me. I dove into podcasts, ted talks, and self-help blogs/books/social media pages – entertaining the process of new ideas for my journey of mental healing and personal growth.
Your mindset and your actions need to fit together to avoid the spiraling of negativity. You can and will have bad days, weeks; it boils down to the way that you handle the emotions/thoughts that you experience while being subjected to the uncontrollable nature of life. Your focus is meant to be on the things that you can control; use them as the light at the end of your tunnel. The only one that can recognize and add value into your life is you. There comes a point when you have to stop waiting for life to happen to you.
I romanticize the smallest aspects of my life because every single moment leads to another, and time is something that I don’t want to waste. Opportunities remain available to me every single day – but it requires stepping outside of my comfort zone. It was easy to find comfort in the sadness – the uncertainty of the lifespan happiness could have was more terrifying than the darkness of my depression.
Now, I see beauty in the uncertainty, because every day I give to myself, love myself, and show up for myself – that makes every single day beautiful and worth living regardless of the external energies that find their way to me now and again. I am the creator of my own life and that is my greatest power. Take the time to learn about yourself, find yourself, and disappear for a while. I found peace and solitude in my existence simply because I started living for myself. There are so many things that are out of your control, but you are not one of them; life can kick you down so many times and all you need to do is get back up.
I don’t think that I knew what my dream life was, aside from the typical rich lifestyle people dream of. Before living on my own, I didn’t know where I wanted to be, what I wanted it to look like, or what I was working towards. I was thrown into a situation that decided my circumstances for me and I ended up making the best out of the situation; because there is always a brighter side even when you can’t see it. I am the creator of my own life and that is my greatest power.