– When It’s You Vs. Yourself

I feel the need to write about the process of “unpacking” - but before I do, I want to preface the post by saying that this is coming from someone with childhood trauma, depression, anxiety, eating disorders, self-image issues… and the list goes on. Realistically this is coming from someone that has a background in experiencing mental illness, but I am not a mental health professional or specialist. I definitely recommend seeking help from a mental health professional if you are struggling with mental illness, or even if you are just overwhelmed by the daily chaos of life. We could all use therapy in my opinion. Now that I’ve covered my basis, and since you’re still reading this - let’s get into it.
In dealing and struggling with mental illness, I personally had been through therapy when I was younger. In therapy, a lot of the conversation was based on my childhood years. Going on my “personal growth journey” as an adult, I knew that I would have to approach my version of “self-therapy” in the same way. I will say that when I was younger, I did not give therapy a fair chance. I was completely shut down and I don’t think anyone really could have helped me no matter how hard they tried; I didn’t want help and I didn’t want to be vulnerable with what was going on in my head. When I finally reached a point where I could acknowledge that I needed help, the resources I found were not within my price range; regular therapy wasn’t covered by my insurance and out-of-pocket bills were out of the question. Looking into online therapy was practically just as expensive unless I was only talking to a therapist once a month. I didn’t know what to expect and I didn’t even know if I would be able to help myself, but the thought of being stuck in the same place forever scared me enough to decide to make a change.
Now, here’s the thing: I could not move forward in my life without confronting the parts that I couldn’t bear to deal with or even to revisit. Vulnerability is a powerful thing. I researched therapy tools and techniques, dabbled in spiritual healing, and I started applying things to my own life. My love for writing made my choice of outlet/” therapy” easy; journaling became my 24/7 hobby. At first, I took to Pinterest and found “shadow work” writing prompts (thank you TikTok for the recommendation); “shadow work” is essentially questions/personal reflection prompts that help you to practice healing and self-growth. As amazing as Shadow work is, it can be very draining mentally and just emotionally - there are prompts I found that were for beginners and I highly suggest looking into those if you’re just starting out. Also, if you’re not someone that is super consistent with writing, but you would like to get into the habit of doing so, I definitely recommend finding daily prompts to use until you’re used to writing even when there isn’t necessarily anything to write about. Getting into the habit of writing will make it easier to commit to the unpacking process and daily prompts really helped me to feel more connected to my daily life and to my own personal energy.
After a period of time working with written out journal prompts, I wanted to start getting into writing on my own: working with the things in my life that I still carried with me - the memories, thoughts, and feelings that I was unable to let go of; it was deeper rooted than I imagined. I dissected my life from beginning to present and as draining as it was, holy shit did it make a difference in the way that I thought about myself and my life. To say the process was exhausting is making it sound easier than it actually was. My advice would be to find things that help you to mentally reset after an unpacking session. In the beginning I had no expectation of how going through the past would feel mentally or emotionally. In therapy there were so many times that it felt easier to give surface level responses instead of going in depth: going on the journey alone means that you in yourself are responsible for how honest and vulnerable you are willing to be with yourself. If the desire for change and healing isn’t there, then it will not happen.
Remember: Your mindset and actions need to align. I started with my early childhood… day number one I cried. I think my mistake in the beginning was not giving myself enough time to decompress and reset in between journaling sessions. For the first month, I did daily journaling sessions of just unloading all of the things in my life that stuck with me and in the end, I would completely reattach myself to those thoughts and feelings I had wanted so badly to rid myself of. Healing and change take time, it is more like a marathon than it is a sprint and I wanted everything to change overnight. I eventually stopped journaling for a good month or so just so that I could reflect on the things resonating with me from the past. I started to be consumed by my anxiety, over thinking, and depression. In the weeks of not writing, I started coloring, drawing, reading, and cooking in my free time to try and decompress my mind. I did pick the journal back up and that’s when I approached my “self-therapy” in a different way. One day I would do shadow work and brain-dump things from my life - the next day I would reflect on the things I had written out and I would end it by writing the things in life that I was grateful for and positive affirmation about myself. I had to remind myself that the version of myself I was writing about was not the person I was in the current moment.
I think there was a fear towards the lack of control I had as a child as well as the feeling of being too self-aware too early. Who I am in this present moment is a person that has a voice, has power, has control - and in digging up the past I had started to feel the negative emotions and negative thoughts associated with that time in my life. Although I was no longer that version of myself, I still carried her anger and hurt with me. A long period of time had gone by where I was unloading all of my life into a single notebook, and I didn’t know where to go from there. I had gotten the words out, the memories put to paper, but I didn’t feel any difference.
After going through a lot of periods where I didn’t know how to move forward, I dove back into researching and learning… taking the time to acknowledge that I will not have all of the answers on my own and that there will always be room for growth and evolution in thinking. I went back to reading, listening to podcasts, watching various Ted Talks, and made sure that positivity was the only energy present in my life - removing things, relationships, as well as situations that did not aid in my growth or happiness. Coming back to the journey once again, I found myself starting with an entirely different set of questions that I needed to ask myself. I thought I understood myself, but I was completely and utterly wrong. One thing I read explained how negative ways of thinking and being are to be pictured as a tree; your mindset is the base and the ways of thinking and being are the branches - your base and branches are rooted from an origin point. Finding the root of self-limiting beliefs, negative mindsets, and mental health issues can help lead you to the answers of how to help yourself to heal.
I went back through the notebook of my life and picked apart the before-and-after in myself following various situations and events. I started being able to link current ways of thinking with past expectations/beliefs and things suddenly made a little more sense. I continued to reflect on the past negativity projected onto me and the path that I followed throughout my middle school and high school years was no longer surprising or unexplainable.
If you do end up taking part in shadow work or unpacking sessions, take your time and give understanding as well as kindness to yourself. Repression happens for a reason - know your limits and the consequences of going on the journey alone. Mental health is not something to ignore or to neglect - and in ourselves it can be hard to work out how exactly we got to where we are. There are resources out there and people that are here to help you when you need it. It all starts with you. Learn about resources, tools, and people to lean on as you need; you’re not alone regardless of how it feels sometimes.
If therapy is not something that is available to you or if you are unsure about it, then please before going through this process (if that’s what you’re thinking):
-Create a safe space for yourself
-Have someone to lean on as needed or find a community to turn towards
-Find a creative hobby
-Take breaks as you need
-Give more to yourself
-Put down the journal if it becomes too much
-Know your limits
-Don’t have expectations

What works for me might not work the same way for you, but it is a place to start if you don’t know where you’re going from here. Don’t let the past define your present and as they say, “grow through what you go through”. Something can either be a lesson or a shackle; you deserve a happiness unlike any other- so go create it.