When you’re someone dealing with depression and anxiety, there can come a point when you start to realize the toxic cycle that you’re putting yourself through. I started to pick up on my own toxic habits and the cycle that I was continuously in, and there was a long period of time that I tried to numb myself to the idea that I was the one that needed to change. 

My personal cycle looked something like: 

Setting motivated goes, then following through with conscious positive thinking and self-care, but when something “inconvenient” or “negative” would happen I would immediately fall out of my self-care routines/positive habits – it felt like my brain short-circuited and everything that positively impacted my life went out the window. I would start sleeping too much, I would get stuck between not eating at all and binging everything in my kitchen. I felt self-hatred, self-deprecation, and I would question everything. It would get to a point that I would lash out, cry, and numb myself to everything and everyone- at least until I would have a full-blown break down which would follow with trying to find motivation for me to work on myself and cue the rest of the usual “cycle” restarting all over again. 

I think you just hit a point where you get tired of your own bullshit. When you can acknowledge the negative cycles/routines that you put yourself into, it’s easier to then come up with ways to positively break the cycle, pick up on new habits, and eventually free yourself from the weight of your own bullshit. When I became conscious of the way that I was going through life – which I want to mention did not actually happen until I moved out of my mom’s house and had to spend so much time with myself that I had no choice but to face my reality. I decided that I would have to change my own tendencies in order for actual growth and development to take place. Yes, you should get consistent sleep, hydrate yourself, and eat right/move your body, but I have a feeling that you already know that. 

Things I’ve started implementing/focusing on in order to break my own toxic habits and cycle:

-Consistent skin/hair/teeth care; taking time with myself so that I feel cared for and loved

-Doing things that make me happy even when I have no motivation; making sure to fill my cup even when I feel like I have nothing left to give, resetting my perspective and perception when I’m having a low energy day

-Weekly Reflections; staying in touch with my own emotions/thoughts and acknowledging when negative thoughts or emotions are recurring, why they are sticking with me and how I can let go of the things that do not aide in my growth or development

-Practice gratitude daily, even on my worst days; reminding myself that there are always things that I should be grateful for in my life and that I am blessed with 

-Being vulnerable with the people in my life that I feel safe with; taking down my walls and seeking help when I feel too overwhelmed or anxious

-Take time to find joy in the smallest things in life; actively making sure that I appreciate the smallest moments because even the smallest things can have the biggest impact

I’ve found a level of awareness in my life that I actively make sure to do things for my mind, body, and soul every single day. When I started focusing on myself and my wellbeing, I was able to view my life in a different way which then allowed me to appreciate every single day for what it is. I developed a love for my life. If you suffer from depression/anxiety or other mental illnesses – acknowledge the mental things that you have to work through and take the time developing an action plan towards healing. Maybe you’re healing from trauma, abuse, insecurities, limiting beliefs, self-hatred, self-harm… whatever it may be; when you finally start living as and for yourself, you’ll understand what it means to actually live. 

Don’t let anything or anyone past or present hold you back from becoming the person you’ve always wanted to be- the ball is in your court; the play is up to you.