A blog for mental health does not have to only be for people that struggle with mental illness, (I mean I think they’re for anyone and everyone) but they can also be for people that act as the support system for those of us that struggle with mental illness. I know that it can be difficult to know how to help/support someone that is dealing with mental illness, especially when the person isn’t accepting help or is completely emotionally shut down as a result of what they’re mentally going through. I’ve been on the receiving end of the support and let’s just say I didn’t accept the support/help like I should have. Not because I didn’t appreciate the help being offered, but because I simply was so lost within my own thoughts/emotions/existence that I couldn’t accept the help that I didn’t know that I needed. 

Now, I started off struggling with mental illness at a super young age – eventually I was diagnosed with severe depression and anxiety, but before I was ever diagnosed I had already been through a few years of “spiraling” as I call it. It was something that was confusing for my mom at the time, I mean she had never had a kid with depression and anxiety… and I didn’t know how to articulate what I was feeling or the things that I actually needed… mainly because I didn’t really even know what I needed. It wasn’t until years later that my mom and I were actually able to have an open conversation about how severe my mental health had become at one point and how we were both affected by it. The conversation was essentially about how things got to the way that they were, the ways that we handled the situations and how things could have been done differently, and the things that we felt we carried with us and needed to say/talk about. It ended up being a very healing conversation. 

In talking to my mom I realized a couple of things:

1. She knew how to help me as much as I knew how to help myself
2. I felt unheard a lot of the time but I never actually asked for help

These realizations taught me that I needed to forgive my mom and the things that she hadn’t done, and I needed to forgive myself for the things that I had done. Coming from an outside point of view, being a supporter can tear you apart as much as mental illness can tear apart your loved one. There was a time when I had to tell my mom out loud that I forgave her because I don’t know if she had really ever forgiven herself. When you see the one you love drowning within themselves, it can feel like a losing battle, on the other side the one that’s drowning doesn’t believe that they can be saved/doesn’t know how to help themselves. For a while it can feel like a lose-lose situation.

So I wanted to say that being a support system simply means showing up. I know that you may ask yourself if what you’re doing is helping and my answer is: if you’re showing up and trying, you are helping. A lot of things that my support system did for me to help/support me in my struggle, did not click at first. I did not know how to ask for or receive help and support. My brain was so convinced that I was completely alone and that only bad things were going to happen to me. I realize now that I felt unheard, unsupported, and lost because I did not know how to express what was going on in my head with words. I could not explain the sadness that I felt, the lack of motivation, and the lack of care for my life. I felt spiteful because what was originally labeled as “laziness” and “selfishness” was actually mental illness taking its grip on my life. 

When I was younger mental health was not acknowledged or talked about like it is now. Family and friends didn’t know what to look for because why would there be anything to look for? As time went on, as I sat in silence and things built up more and more – my sadness would shift into anger. I was angry at the world for the way that I felt and I always felt like the victim of my own life. I would lash out at the ones that I loved and sometimes the things that I would say would be hurtful and just disrespectful.What you’re doing is helping – show up, listen, don’t judge, and know that this is a process and not something that happens overnight. Your loved one is probably beating themselves up enough – empathize instead of scrutinize. If this is something that’s new to you – get educated. 

If you are acting as support for someone that is struggling, take it upon yourself to research what they are going through; it’s easier not only to support them, but also to help bring a little bit of perspective as to what’s going on. Show up and be present but also know when you’ve given all that you can give. Being around constant negativity, sadness, anger, anxiety, etc – it can be exhausting. To be effective in supporting, taking care of your own mental health and wellbeing is crucial. You will not be able to help or show up if you’re not doing so for yourself. Try to be non-judgmental and open minded, but be honest. There may come a time when there are irrational, hurtful, or emotional things being said; understand that your loved one’s emotions, thoughts, and actions are not within your control and a lot of the time they have nothing to do with you and everything to do with what the person is going through.

There are resources out there for people that struggle with mental illness – you are not the only resource nor should you be. Your loved one’s happiness should not be a weight on your shoulders. Speak your mind when you feel something is out of your realm of help/support. Acknowledging when you are unable/unsure of how to help is as important as the support that you do show. If you’re someone that is personally struggling with mental illness and you’re part of the support system for someone else that’s struggling – my same advice would apply, just with a few extra steps.

In being supportive, be aware of the things that may trigger you or that may negatively impact you. If the person venting/confiding in you is bringing up thi8ngs that negatively impact you – articulate your feelings and set boundaries around the things that you are not willing to talk about. In past friendships, I was surrounded by people that were going through their own struggles; I learned really quickly how much negativity breeds negativity. Initially the idea of having therapy/vent sessions seemed like a great idea, but when you’re consistently talking about the negatives without some sort of positive shift in action/change in direction – you’re not going to aid in your own growth or take any steps forward. And that’s the thing – we weren’t actually working on ourselves but instead feeding off of each other’s negative energies. I would leave hangout sessions more drained than when I got there. 

Be realistic with your limits and your capacity to take on someone else’s emotions, thoughts, and mindset. Be honest when you’ve had too much or when you have no emotional/mental capacity to talk. Being in a time where the expectation is to be accessible 24/7 is simply unrealistic. Take time to step away and take care of yourself. The issue is not availability but communication. 

All in all, it can be hard to know how to help the one you love when they’re at war with their own mind. But showing up is enough, being there is enough. Make sure to fill your own cup before attempting to fill someone else’s. When you question yourself, take a step back and breathe – the only control that you have is over yourself; being there is enough support, and it makes all the difference. One day at a time, you’ve got this. And speaking for those of us struggling – Thank you for being there.